The Crockpot Theory was cooked up over Labor Day weekend 2013 and still continues to be served up to this day. I had just gone through a combustive breakup and was reemerging from the ashes like a phoenix. I won’t get into those details, but events in my love life that led to the combustion helped to formulate this theory.
Christina, my sister, and I were swimming around Christina’s dinky apartment pool. I was half bloviating about nothing and half inserting nuggets of self-realization when I blurted out, “Guys, I’m a crockpot.” They weren’t sure whether or not to entertain me or to keep swimming around and ignore me. So I continued brewing this stream of consciousness.
There are two types of people in this world, crockpot types and fast food types.
A fast food type is like the hot girl at the club. (At this point, I referenced my sister as a fast food type for the sake of contrast.) You spot her and you want a taste, similar to how appetizing the thought of a Mickey D’s McChicken and fries [insert your fast food of choice] is after a drunken night. The ease of going through the drive thru to obtain your late night snack could translate to her easiness.
Fast food is mouthwatering and all, but is it really good for you? No. It’s not a healthy meal and you will likely wake up the next morning regretting what you consumed. With the fast food chick, while she’s outwardly appealing, is some rando you picked up at the club gonna be someone who’s good for you?Most likely not. You may wake up the next morning and realize she wasn’t as tantalizing as you remembered in your drunken stupor.
“Damn, I really shouldn’t have crushed that entire Whataburger chicken strip basket.” and “Damn, I really shouldn’t have went home with her last night.” start to sound one in the same with fast food types.
The other type is the crockpot. When you think of what goes into cooking a crockpot meal, there are a slew of raw ingredients. Take chili, for example. You got the ground beef, beans, tomatoes, onion, broth, spices. These raw ingredients aren’t palatable in their separate, uncooked forms. But you start to throw it all together in the crockpot, set it to simmer on low for eight hours, and once it’s done, you get delicious and nutritious meals throughout the week.
A crockpot person isn’t outwardly attractive, not at first. She’s not the fast food chick at the club with guys buying her drinks to woo her. But, if you put a little effort in getting to know a crockpot, just like how you would to prepare making a crockpot meal, you’ll end up spending time with someone who could be worth your while. I’ve never regretted eating a crockpot creation.
I’m definitely a crockpot type and still am today. At this time in my life, I was 21 and hadn’t really seen myself as all that attractive. But I knew I had desirable traits and that if I just got my foot in the door (or my ingredients in the crockpot, rather), I could showcase the best I have to offer. The events mentioned earlier affirmed this theory for me, personally. And I myself was, and still am, attracted to crockpot types — the ones who have substance and take a little stewing to bring the best aromas and tastes out.
I once explained this to a coworker and called him a crockpot type. While it’s meant to be a compliment, it somewhat underhandedly tells them that they’re not exactly a looker. Proceed with caution before you dole out the crockpot label.
After years of reciting my theory to the masses, there are people who attempt to challenge its binary nature. While you could entertain other types and make exceptions for certain cases, the duality of the crockpot theory keeps it simple. There you have it.